a very long rant

its 8 and i’m exhausted
i don’t mind being a cold hearted bastard
especially to you
frustration grips my throat
gropes at my chest
struggling to be free
a heavy weight hangs there
weighing me down
keeping me from flying into the sky
where i can lose myself up in those
clouds of soft dreams floating
the fluttering cloth of moonlight
on the canopy of misty ether
invariably i am left feeling alone
without a hope in the world
each passing day, a swell of the tides
of happiness receding into
a nostalgic melancholy
of the “good old days” if they ever existed
maybe only in our heads, in our  hearts,
in our fickle imaginations that
misconstrue, misinterpret to protect
what is precious to us, to everybody
i continue searching
in my star graced voyage
those sentinels showing us
light from years, millenia, eons gone by
troubles have come
my heart is burdened
i am not still
i cannot wait – i must head forward
to find あの人
to raise me up above these skies
above space
above time
above heaven
above eternity
fill me with wonder
o elusive angel
o darkening night the moon
mysterious and dark disappearing
beyond the horizon and no matter
how i fly, how i stretch my limbs,
i cannot catch it for i weary of my journey
a long road of days and nights
strung together into the passage of time
an illusion, like everything else,
everything i had thought to be real
disappears before me, my fingers grasp
at these ghostly images that flicker
through my vision filled head
thoughts ricocheting like bullets through
a flock of doves – they can’t hurt me
no one can – i am invincible at least
i wish i was.  vulnerable to many
words likened to daggers
plunging deep and even when they withdraw
they leave their mark
a scar, these petty pieces
of trivia scattered about the social scene
friendships broken to what end?
unending, unattractive stubborness, ugly grudges,
the inability to forgive, to know that
we are all human
and being human we make mistakes
that is the nature of our being
of our very existence in this very real world
in which we live, we love, we laugh, we cry,
we work, we fail, and ultimately, we die
alone. together? if possible. but more likely
a solitary journey into the unknown
some say towards light
towards the realm of grey
some say it is dark
an unending darkness, a
nihilistic view, of unconsciousness
of nothingness, spawned from nothingness
ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
nothing to nothing – we were born into the
world alone we shall take our exeunt, our
final bow on this stage of life
on which we fretfully strut for every
precious moment, out, out, fragile candle
a puff of wind is all, wreaths of smoke,
hallowed be our heads, a corona,
a circle, a symbol of never ending,
like many things we hope will never end
we plan far ahead into the future
only to suffer as it ends prematurely
the plans stillborn, dead before they could live
we don’t know what we have
until it’s gone and when it’s gone
its much too late to get it back
so we must treasure every moment
every measure of time, of passage
in this world, a ray of hope,
that we should live on
in the lives and hearts of others
that’s all there is to it.

and this he said to me:
the greatest thing you’ll ever learn
is just to love
and be loved in return


One comment on “a very long rant”

  1. yayyyy more update. haha we’re discussing this right now only you seemed to have disappeared u__u

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